in which menachem begins his job hunt, curiously

with 5 comments

Though I may be a savant at landing internships (and ahem), I still am (kind of) looking for gainful employment come January. (Or maybe I’ll just go on a whirlwind, worldwide, merry tour, an idea that looks more appealing with every passing day.) So, the point is, I gotta send out resumes, make pestering calls, pretend to care about lots of things that I don’t (e.g., “Sir, I simply adore spreadsheets”), and (hopefully) go to interviews in very snazzy shoes. This is daunting, and consistently ego-pummeling. (Maybe it’s time to strike “graduate of the Toronto School of Circus Arts” off the resume?)

I decided I’ll ease into it, and go somewhere that would want me, instead of me selling my soul for some entry level shit-job. (Or another internship?!) And wouldn’t you know it — the Navy had somehow gotten my email address and was sending me emails like:


I have made several attempts to reach you by phone and since I was in the area today I wanted to meet you in person. At this time I have several positions with a starting salary of $29,855-$32,629, 30 days paid vacation, free medical and dental. My company is also willing to pay 100% of any further education you would like to pursue while employed with us, plus $80,000 that you can use for additional education after you leave our organization. I will be in the area a few days and will stop by to see you tomorrow around 8PM unless you contact me to:

1. Reschedule an appointment at a different time and/or location.
2. Calls to inform me that you not interested.

Please contact me at 917 295-6954 to confirm our appointment or to inform me that you are not interested. Thank you for your time.

Petty Office Feliz
US Navy

(It took me quite some time to realize that this wasn’t spam.) This is the most exciting job-related email I’ve received since some synagogue on the UWS paid me to play gaga with the adolescent boys while their parents prayed. Amazing: they send you an unsolicited email informing you of an upcoming interview, and you have to call to cancel. Oh, they’re going to want me bad. And, as it turns out, the office is right up on 125th st. (the location is not incidental), so, hey, why not? Let me start out my job search by being wanted! So off I went, all hyper and jittery after inhaling just a silly amount of honey-fried peanuts, humming the Village People song.

Petty Office Feliz (who signed his emails “Jose”) wasn’t in — do appointments mean nothing to these guys? Jose confirmed my 6pm meeting at least three times — but his colleague Dave was very courteous, and, without any questions, had me fill out a basic form. Physical info, recent drug use, education stuff — a regular one-pager. Dave looked at the clipboard holding my form, and told me that in order to become a Navy-man, you had to qualify “morally, mentally, physically.” By which he meant: I was morally okay without a police record; I was mentally okay with a high school education; I was physically okay without any recent drug use. (Dave: “When’s the last you smoked marijuana?” Me: [response censored due to certain readers’ relationship w/ author.] Dave: “Nice.”)

Now, Dave told me, I’ll take an aptitude test which predicts how well I’d do on THE Navy aptitude test, and then watch a video about boot camp. Fun!

More tomorrow…

Written by menachemkaiser

22 October at 23:11

Posted in rants

5 Responses

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  1. You won’t tell us when you last smoked pot?

    A reader with a certain relationship to the author

    25 October at 15:45

    • define: “last”


      25 October at 19:21

  2. Thanks for the shoutout. I really appreciate it.

    Another reader with probably a similar relationship to author

    26 October at 23:20

    • I am going to get disowned/fired/denied dessert from this blog…


      27 October at 00:42

  3. […] a comment » (See part 1 here, and part 2 […]

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