in which menachem begins his job hunt, curiously (part 2)

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(See part 1 here.)

Dave took me to the basement, into a narrow room with grade-school desks along the wall, and an old, CRT-monitor computer in the corner. That’s the computer I’d take my test on. An all-text, multiple choice question would pop up, and I’d hit 1,2,3, or 4 to answer, and again to confirm. I’m going to skip the details of the test itself, mainly because doing so would severely weaken the impressiveness of the next sentence. I scored perfect on the aptitude test. Okay, fine — it wasn’t that hard, and I’ve been SAT tutoring for a while now. Plus, I’m clutch on standardized tests. These types of questions are not going to trip me up. It was five sections: math, vocab, reading comprehension, a logic sort of thing, and I don’t remember. It took about 25 minutes. Dave told me to write my score down when I was done, and come upstairs to watch the video.

Dave asked me what I got when I came back into his office. “Um, ninety-nine.” (It’s a percentile score.) Dave didn’t seem nearly as impressed as he should have been. Are you telling me every potential recruit knows what “chide” means? And can they really flawlessly perform FOIL operations?

Dave sat me down for the boot camp video. “It’s real except for the yelling,” he said. What? What Dave meant — it took me an earnest query or two — was that the video’s portrayal of boot camp was accurate, except that officers — “Like me!” Dave beamed — will yell at you. A lot.

Now, I’m not usually one to cuss, but here’s the only way I know how to describe the video: Most boring-ass shit ever. I mean, it was like a mid-nineties infomercial for some specialized summer camp. Really — watch it, and see if it even tries to be sexier than a late night furniture-cleaner commercial. Now, such criticism isn’t usually apropos for gov’t agencies — they’re not exactly cutting edge, I know — but have you seen the National Guard music videos they’re shtupping in before movies? (It’s around that point I realize I’m in for a movie aimed at a demographic whose cinematic tastes don’t often align with my own. Balls.) Those things are pumping. This one, though, actually has footage of towel-folding lessons that the new recruits will learn in boot camp.

More TK.

Written by menachemkaiser

23 October at 13:51

Posted in rants

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